My dearest mother has been trying to hook me up with the strangest people in recent times, and i've obviously been nonchalant and ignorant about them all.

Sometimes she, and many other people around the world too, just don't get it...
Just because one is lonely does not mean that he/she has to get a partner.
The security, the timing, the properness and feelings of it all.
Many things in life have to be put in place first.
There's no point going into something just for the sake of it, just because there aren't any hindrances or obstacles in the way.

Our actions always result in certain consequences with severe rammifications, and sometimes we can't just dive into something just to satisfy our own desires. it has to be mutual and a very much two way thing. you have to like her as much as she likes you.

As silly and blatant as it seems, many people still don't get it... the feelings are oh-so-important. It must be RIGHT... and the RIGHT takes time.
I'm not just going to start something with someone halfway around the world without first knowing the person. (you hear that mum?)
Solitary and Alone I may invariably be... but it's all part and parcel of growing up and learning from it all. One day, some time away, she and i will appear... you just can't force such things.

Does anyone still remember the question i posed about a year or so ago?

"Would you rather LOVE someone or be LOVED in return?"

Well... a recent event... or rather, a relative predicament of sorts, has somehow yielded a tentative answer to that particular question.

for many years I've had my heart and many other orifices of my body torn apart, stomped, and trampled upon...
and on one particular late summer's day, with an immense burden of guilt imposed unto myself, i had shattered a little girl's emotional well being because the experience that i had undergone with her in the past few weeks made me realize that there is absolutely no point in being loved when it just does not feel right.

YOU REALLY REALLY REALLY CANNOT FORCE SUCH THINGS.

and with that, i now also know how every single one of those ten different women feels... how they felt... or rather, the lack of feelings in them for myself...

Now i'm further behind than where i've started before...
and a highlighted point that has to be stressed is that the D for DESPERATE word so uncanny with women and their deteriorating eggs in their mid-30s really cannot be used here because i would have swallowed her up in one big gulp if i was but uncharacteristically she was swept aside with an unforgiving backhand.

it's always about timing and for reasons unbeknownst to myself the timing is always wrong, the women, never right.

call me old fashioned if you like... but im still rather traditional when it comes to such things.

i believe in letting time take its course.
not rushing into such stuff.
being exclusive and personal.
and seriously not fucking around.

YES.
the anaconda was right.
she would have been an easy fuck.
perhaps a good one too.
she's got the physical qualities no doubt.
everything that's meant to be there is there.
everything that's meant to be proportionate and slim is as found.
and even the smell, though not right, is neutral, which isn't wrong.
but really... I ask?
what's the bloody point?
it goes AGAINST every single parcel of my upbringing, my nature, my supposed morals, and the way that i really am.
besides, i dont even fancy that little girl...
so what's the point really?
what is there to achieve?
the consequences would have been severe, and even if it wasn't, i still do not possess any feelings or emotions in relation to that particular person.
and you guys know me.
i'm an emotional little boy.
i won't go for something when emotions aren't involved.
I have to feel for that person before anything begins.
so call me an oldfasioned silly little inexperienced naive soul.
but i prefer to allow things to develop before diving straight in.

looking back.
i dont regeret the decisions that i've made.
not just the one of not progressing any further than i should, but also of actually going out with that individual.
i dont regret that.
in fact, it was a laudable decision.
it made me open up my eyes and experience the opposite trend of what i've been going through.
and it really isn't very fun to be honest.
a verifiable truth when i say i know how they feel.
and the feeling really isnt great at all.
all i wish for now is that she remains happy.
with whoever, as long as the feelings are mutual.
that is oh-so-important.

being stuck in a room for a whole day allows sporadic and random memories flood your brain.

and i recalled.
and i looked back.
and i reminisced.

it's a waiting game.
all i have ever remembered was waiting... and waiting... and waiting...
all the damn bloody waiting...

waiting for this girl to turn up.
waiting for that girl to turn up.
waiting for her to turn up.
waiting for fuck all to happen.

they never do.
they never have.
they never will.
they all deserve better.

this is kinda cool.
where else in the army would you have an outing on a weekend night to introduce the present batch to the old.
nowhere else i tell you.
hail the CPR and SIM boys!
and the ever exuberant Captain See of course.

the food was great. chinese food buffet for about 20bucks at miramar hotel.

Captain See and "Father" Lawrence