The Year has passed. 2009 is a fraction of a few days away...


2008 has zoomed by in a flash... literally..
i know we always seem to say that but in all honesty this year has been a complete blur... so much has happened in a seemingly short time...

i can't quite possibly type out everything that's happened over the course of this supposedly loved up year (according to the horoscopes but honestly even though i've never ever had this many women troubles in a freakin year- nothing significant has really happened... nothing at all..)

so here are some proud occasions, a handful of embarrassing ones, a collective of heartbreaking recollections, but all a plethora of wonderful nostalgic memories no less.


xxx



Weddings.

I love weddings.

Practically every single relative older than me has gotten married in the past three years.

Apparently i'm next in line if you follow the linear path of seniority, but in all honesty, i suspect that a shotgun wedding courtesy of any single one of my three younger cousins (*cough paulsamuel cough*) seems a lot more likely to happen in the near future.


Weddings are beautiful.

My brother got married last year. My sister got married this year. My Uncle who's actually more like a cousin got married a few months back.

like i said. I love weddings.

People dressed up.
handsome boys. beautiful girls. big wide smiles everywhere.

i love hosting them. i love taking photographs. i love looking at the attractive women everywhere who can't seem to stop sneaking a peak any reflective surface that's in and around the area. i love the gloriously sumptuous food. i love the cheesily romantic atmosphere. i love the proud parents. i love the smell of the air.

weddings rule.

but im not going to get married just yet.

perhaps in a decade and a quarter or so...



xxx



I entered University at 17 years young. Got my Bachelors Degree at twenty years old...
alright so the route was unconventional, long, ardous, and entirely unorthodox to say the very least. with severe cases of plagiarism and threats of expulsion, but with exorbitant prayer, faith, and plenty of help, guidance, and assistance from the people around me who care, i actually pulled through and survived it all.

i met and made great friends who are still around me today.

The graduation convocation photographs best summed how the entity of emotions that were swirling in and around me.
I've never been as happy as that very day.
Even i do not remember being that euphoric, but photographs don't lie.
my silly little mug had that big fat wide smile that ran along one side of my face to the other.
And i certainly was as happy as a camper, the day i graduated from uni =)


xxx


Became a Teacher at the start of the year and it's still the best job that i have ever had.
Bonded and relived my secondary school years.
Breathed life to countless new relationships... with seniors and kids alike.
I would have never met my POKS if not for that four month tenure as an educational enforcer... and would never have such brilliant aunty agonies in the form of highly desirable middle aged women teachers if not for that too...

i would gladly go back if my break into the media world doesnt quite cut it, without a shout of a doubt... a kiss on an ass... and a slap on the cheek.

but first, let me be successful in the media world. oh pppplleeassee...



xxx


and then came the woman with the odour.

The one with the unappealing smell at the end of it all.
it was a combination of her smelling really weird that just put me off completely, the feeling that i was being used incessantly, and... well, it was ultimately still the smell... i can't literally define the utmost importance of a woman's smell and one's attraction or disattraction to it.

but essentially, i just wasn't into her as much as i thought i was...

it was a typically honeymoon period the first month we went out.
you never notice the smell at the beginning.
oh no...
at the start of it all things are always beautiful.
she smelt alright.
and so there was sushi. valentine's on the legendary balcony. i cooked. and cooked. and cooked. airshow. movies. her home and mine. restaurants and more restaurants. my home and hers.

clouded by a fervent lack of attention and the sudden influx of it all, i was truly blindly smitten by the she-devil incarnated.. (a tad extreme, that...)

she literally opened herself up in conniving ways, funny thing was.... i never did gobble her up... never laid a hand... never raised a finger... never touched the poor unsatisfied soul the way she seemingly desired...

she was there. on the bed.

she was there. lascivious intent.

she was there. scantily dressed.

she was there. flushed and burning.

and i never found it in myself to take the next step. to make the move. to seal the deal.

it never felt right.
and after the flowery gardens withered away, and the mirage settled, i saw her for who she truly was... and i ran... i ran so far and so fast that until today, i think no one really knew what happened when the vehicle suddenly stopped moving... not even me...

someone asked me recently; "what's wrong with you? why didnt you just go for it?"

well i answered wholeheartedly that the feelings were important. that as silly as it may seem i'm actually rather traditional and unmodern that way... and it might cause me a ton of casual offerings here and there but i really am not bothered... feelings first and foremost, leave the copulations to some other desiring being...

so when did i realize it was over?

well... i still remember our very last date. steamboat dinner at roxy it was.
and the smell that overpowered the atmosphere was just, mind-bogglingly hideous.
i couldnt look at her in the eye without wincing. i couldnt take a deep breath without feeling nauseating. and everything just didnt feel like it was alright.
i didnt feel like home.
and that's the important bit.
when you know the woman's special... you actually feel like home.
this one most certainly made me feel like i was in an dilapidatedly unknown dwelling.

things were still normal at that particular juncture... she was still making those moves... i was still keeping my comfortable distance...
it was after i sent her home, taking that walk down arthur road, that it finally hit me like a sudden smack to the side of my unknowing face.
it was time to let go and not just move on, but to run away as hard and fast to the best of my harrowing ability.

and of course it was extremely selfish and immature of myself to just runaway and ignore the woman. but it was the most obvious option at that particular point in time... childish, i admit... but effective...

because of the nature of how i was treated, i simply thought that it was the most justifiable way out of the mess. i was tired of being manipulated. and that was how i chose to end it.

she got the message after a bevy of unreturned smses and missed calls.

and from the bottom of my heart... i do not miss the woman one bit.

not at all.

nowhere near.

i can still taste the rankness on the tip of my tongue. i believe she still smells equally unappealing today.


xxx


and then i got INKed.
painful.
painful.
painful.
beautiful pain.

xxx


though it's perhaps a year too late i thought i'd just describe what happened for i never really have gone into the details as much...

I waved goodbye to my dad in a coffin.
Though he never did wait for me to come home.
It was the most painful moment of my still rather short life.

One horrid truth is that I did not shed a single tear at my father's cremation ceremony.

barring the fact that i had not had a single minute of sleep for 48hours prior to the funeral, something, someone, inside, told me that i had to be strong... for everyone else around me were breaking down and losing absolute control of themselves.

and i had to be the one to hold her.
to provide warmth and stability.
and that i did.
to my very best ability.

i had never hugged anyone as tightly as i did before. never held someone's hand till it went numb. never came so close to someone that i could practically smell her. never tasted the salty tears of a grieving woman.

never till that fateful day.

the night i flew back and the consequent months featured sporadic moments of complete breakdowns, often in the shower, and always in the privacy of solitary confinement, away from everyone else. some things in life just arent meant to be shared or witnessed.

and i still don't.

it's one of those things where normal everyday people just do not know what it's like. even though they claim and believe that they do.

...


Just before the middle of this year i got employed and embarked on a still ongoing adventure in an extremely shallow organization who credits and rewards backstabbers and buttkissers just because they supposedly top the food chain with their allegiances and accreditations.

The three months of my life on that island can be described as one of the worst and most mentally, physically and emotionally scarring experiences of my life.

NO i do not exaggerate.

i cringe at the thought of reliving those ghastly memories.

i had a gazillion emotional breakdowns. i kid you not.
it was so freaky that i had visions. weird bloody visions...
when i was feeling down and depressed, i used to imagine...
i'd look up at the 5 storey block in front of me, and on a linear route on every floor stood the people i loved.
the people who were on my mind... were literally there in front of me.
dead, alive, faraway...
it didnt matter.
i could actually see them in front of me...
waving. saying hello.
spurring me on.
it was sporadic.
it was random.
it was bloody crazy.
i was going crazy.

but it was those moments when i realized who i truly loved and adored.
the ones who i saw in those visions...
made me realize how much i missed them... how much i've neglected them...

it was also a time that made me open my eyes...
when the real friends came out and lent their hand of support...
whenever i needed it... whenever i needed them...
there's nothing better at the end of a horrifically back breaking mind shattering body decaying day than to just switch on your phone and feel the tingly vibrations of short messages gyrating away... waiting to be read.
there's nothing better than knowing that someone somewhere out there, was thinking of you for awhile.

even when they were overseas... i got a tingle... and it made me smile...

the people who spent time with me on the weekends. who shared meals with me. watched shows at the theartre by my side. and just accompanied me through the rough of it all.
the encouraging messages that pulled me through. the correspondances that lifted me.
never underestimate the power of a friend's sacrifice of their own time for you...
no matter how minute or slight...
it did save me... without sounding too overtly melodramatic...
they saved me from the end.

when the loved ones werent around, what made everything a billion times worse was the fact that the people in my surroundings were just... inexplicably tactless and lacking in all genuine emotion.
Somehow or another, through a perverse twist of fate, i was casted in a cavalry of two hundred or so snobbishly arrogant misfits.

Individuals who were notoriously brought up in a meritocratic educational system, one where they learnt to fight for themselves and screw the rest of the party. On the surface, of course, it's all smiles and fun. But they scheme and they plan oh-so-savagely.

What saddens me is the fact that the deserving ones were overlooked for the right positions...

Men who i trust and connect with. Men who have shown outstanding qualities, those you cannot define in words alone.

And yet it was the pathetic boys with their rock solid facades and perfect smiles who got the nod over the deserving rest.
It was one of the most blatant reasons why i said NO when offered to join these repugnant group of supposedly "superior men".

Coupled with the fact that i couldn't envision spending another nine months with THESE sort of animals, i said No friggin way... leave me out of this...

and so i was left out... and so far it's been one of the best decisions i've made in my life.

The subsequent three months in a completely contrasting facility (one which i am currently plying my trade at right now) was quite possibly the saving grace of my tenure in this organization.

The people i met did not excell academically.
They had no connections to the "higher" world.
Their future was in a cloak of shadow, unknown and unthought of.
and yet, i would trust these people to lead countless lives over the former, who besides being utterly despised by myself, are totally incapable of being trusted.

The camadarie forged was unbreakable, priceless, and unique... and still is...
i bonded with these boys, with these men...
It's how things should be.

When the shit hit the fan we didnt blame anyone; unlike on the island where fingers were pointed at opposing directions everyday.

We stuck together as a group and ate the shit together; unlike on the island where they tried to feed the shit to other unsuspecting people.

We helped each other out and gave a hand to those in need; unlike on the island where they were selfish and fended for only their very own stingy intentions.

YES, i'm going to be blatantly honest here.
The island was rank filled with the A level holders.
and the facility, with other institutional attendees.
It's an unavoidable fact. Though a biased generalization... the people from the former with their arrogant self-sustaining actions are just... absolutely revolting and snobbish little pricks.

I'm glad i said no.
I'm actually enjoying my time now.
I am surrounded by great people, i have an amazing boss, and the individuals i meet everyday are as diverse and interesting as can be.
Of course there are still remnants from the island who litter the pack. But most of them are a decent lot, filtered and disected till the alright ones remain. though a handful are still suspect...

...

slightly after the middle of the year i experienced something that i never had before in my life. and it totally swept me off my feet, in an unusually morbid kinda way.

Her innocent desires were very much an eerie perverse manifestation of my own with reference to other beloved individuals. I finally knew what it was like to be on the other side of the fence. To experience a situation where you simply aren’t quite fond of the person as much as she is into you.

Yes, i was loved... very much in fact.

we did go out.
not once.
but twice.
we talked so much.
and surprisingly i actually enjoyed her company.

it wasn't right... but it certainly wasn't wrong...

and yet looking back, do i regret any of it?
well...
no...
because for awhile there, i made a little lady happy.
she was warm inside, and her heart was beaming.
i enjoy putting wide contented smiles on people's faces. we all know that.
but it never was possible between us two.

it was always going to be difficult.

and it made me open my eyes and take on the roles of the women of yesteryear. I finally understood and knew how they had to react the way they did. The actions that they took. and the many thoughts running through their minds.

i learnt many things when dealing with her... you have to have a mix of gentleness and ruthlessness when letting someone down.
you cannot allow any remnants of possibility to exist.
false hope is evil doing on your part.
and that was how i ended it.
ceasing any form of possibility and probability... albeit with a caressing tinge of emphaty.

i still feel extremely awful and total guilt inside of me whenever i think of her...
her disappointments.. her dwindling confidence... her lack of self-esteem... her melodramatic broken heart.

yes it's hard to love someone when the feelings just aren't there...

and the story continued itself in another more traditional form a couple of months down the road...
and this time, i was at the receiving end of the sordid little barrel...

pressured i was into chasing this individual...
from my maternal parent. from the friends. from everyone...
the thing is that i was fond of the person, no doubt, but i never really was into her...
i liked the idea of it all... but not the person itself...
and yet, over time, i gradually warmed up to the sweet little human being...

but, as always, mutuality ceased to exist, up to a point.
isn't it all very ironic...

i was constantly being pushed away and pulled back with some paradoxical motions...
and just when i thought that i had messed things up so far that it was truly over... well...

the story hasn't quite ended there...
i have a habit of screwing things up and i didn't go against tradition this time too.. but fortunately there still exists some graceful salvation left in it for me...

i don't know what's going to happen in the next few days or months...

but this particular form of advice from a senior member of my prior teaching fratenity best sums up how i should best approach this...

"go slow, if she is worth the effort, don't give up..."

and i think that's how i am going to lead my life from the new year onwards.
well not entirely snailpaced... but i will learn to slow down, appreciate, and love all that is around me...
i think that's a doable little thing.

here's a premature happy little new year to everyone.
may all your deepest wishes and desires come true, and your rancid resolutions unbreakable.

black cardigan, fitting white spaghetti top, short skirt, and black leggings.
clothes that maketh a woman.
=)

i'm having a backstreet boys revival on my playlist.
i never really remembered them being this awesome hahaha.
go listen.

Music Video:AS LONG AS YOU LOVE ME (by Backstreet Boys)

Music Video Code provided by Video Code Zone

fourteen messages to put me off and turn me down.

you have succeeded woman.

it's been awhile since we last caught up but i do miss her, despite the deeply scarring tyranny that i used to endure during my childhood years- cue nightmarish memories of a woman's atheletic foot to my gynormously flabby posterior.

nah... she wasn't all that bad...

the perspicaciously prudent and might i add slightly ageing woman with whom i share similar hemoglobins running in my thick set veins did however say to me over a quaint little lovely dinner...

"your niceness will only be appreciated in ten years time... from what you've been telling me, this one doesn't seem to like you very all that much... don't put so much effort into this, she'll only prefer the bad ones for now."

wise sayings that you will only get from a sister.

she's been working in Shanghai for a long while already, and apparently the harshness of the environment has only added to her already brash frankness.

ten years is a long time to receive them returns.

but i'll wait.

=)

this one really seems special.

go visit jeraldjustin's sister publication.
http://www.bangbrothersfc.blogspot.com
=)

i'm melting.
in all the right places.
=)

i'm going to take a chance on you.
will you take one on me too?

OMFG.
SO HILARIOUS.

Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.

If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.

If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

.

.

.

.

.

.

So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit."

under pressure.

seems like it's the conclusion of yet another misfitting misadventure.
the resolute ending of it all before any chance of a sound beginning.

my favouritest emotionally unsound canine was right when she said that i was more into the idea of liking the person more than genuinely liking the person itself.

and that's really the wrong way to handle things.

you've got to be genuinely interested.
you can't force things.

i admit.
the pressure was there. it still exists. like a big fat overgrown monkey on my overworked back.

everyone likes her.
they're so bloody fond of her.
and i got pushed, nudged, and coerced into embarking on some form of amaurotic schmaltzy-saccharine chase that i didnt even attempt on starting in the first place.

behind the devilish tattoos, im actually nothing more than a goody-two-shoes nerdy little blubbering boy.

but she could never see that.

all she could see and all that her friends saw was an unsettled , disorderly, indefinitely troubled little soul who was betwixt and between.

never mind that i finished university at 20yearsofage.

never mind that i have worked a handful of respectable jobs.. teacher. butler. lol even a network administrator. =)

never mind that i have the most caring, awesome, dependable, understanding and benevolent of friends who have been through the most trying times of life with me.

the kind of friends who i will thrust my life unto and upon, without a shout of a doubt or a hint of regret.

never the mind who i seem to be.

in their eyes...

i'm just a castaway degenerate with scary scary gangster friends. (well the anaconda does strike fear to one too many hearts, but good ol' mr cool is just a teddy bear.)

but alas it's hard to fulfil anything at all when the feelings aren't even there.
be it from yourself.
or from the other party.

and for crying out loud you really cannot judge a book by its humble cover alone.
no matter how sweet or deliciously dreamy it may seem.
there's got to be some form of intellectuality, sharp wit, dirty humour, and a level of connection between the two that just feels right.

you don't buy the book if you don't quite enjoy what you read.

besides.
you can't work things out when one or the other party just doesnt seem interested or into things.

she's really not interested.

it just puts you off completely.
when you havent even gone out, it's hard to develop or possess any poignant thingamachig at all.

i dont believe in all that first sight nonsense.
one can only judge and know a person, after a few rounds of meaningful conversational intercourse (which may or may not lead into other forms of more, intimately salacious intercourse), sharing a few boisterously farcical moments together (watching her laugh, with resplendently lustrous smiling eyes, and a scintillating goofy grin on that sweet as ever face. or at least that's what i'd like to see exist...)

magnetism takes time, and plenty of effort from both parties, to develop.

the so called natural magnetisms, the kind that shoots straight up your spine without rhyme or reason... well, if you ask me... the effect it just wears away after awhile, doesnt quite stand the test of time in my humble opinion. the initial spark that just eventually dies off.

we have to really know each other.

perhaps it always starts like this... we see someone that just sparks a tidalwave of emotions inside of us, there will be dreams, fantasies, and a plethora of diversemirages... but if we dont ever do anything, to try our hand at forcing nature, we'll never know how much more of it could actually be a possibility.
but that's where we draw the line.

the magnetism can only truly begin once we get to know each other.

at least that's how i look at it.

but it does somehow make you wonder doesnt it?

how our relatives of old all made do, tolerated, and survived with their favoured matchmaking tradition.

one of those perplexing questions in life that only the aged and old of yesteryear can truly answer from the deepest bellows of their artery clogged hearts.

love in those days was perhaps a lot simpler.

heck. it was DEFINATELY a lot simpler.

you get introduced to someone and you go out.

even if you dont like each other, well, time will pass and the both of you will just learn to accept and appreciate one another.

kids were a must.

and procreate the both of you would- like rabbits... so much so that a dozen or so children didnt really seem out of the ordinary.

these days, fuck, these days.

money. money. money. money.

money. money. money. money.

money. money. yeah yeah.

money. money. yeah yeah.

angmo blood and you get two thumbs up.

plus more money. money. yeah. yeah.

the games are played like there's no tommorow and if that isn't enough we've got to wait and wait and wait............... and wait.... and waiiiiiiiiiiiit and waaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitttt...

because she doesnt want to seem desperate and will wait a million years before replying you.
kids are a no no because it ruins her figure and the inherent misguided fear of losing her elasticity just piles onto the negativities of childbearing.

she wants the whole world and if that's not enough she'll take your best friend for a ride and your humble little home isnt spared too.

okay the melodramatic ramblings have started once again but you kind of get the idea dont you... love and relationships these days just aint like the days of old.

but a parallel of course exists between them two.

an extremely crucial one at that.
mutuality. is forever. and. always. important.
we cant just go around forcing ourselves to tread upon paths that we dont wish to.

or the kind of routes and journeys that... well... we kinda knew from the start that it never really was ours to venture onto...

the best thing to do in such situations is to just never ever listen to what other people have to say.

well if you dont have a choice, then just listen wisely, selectively, and smartly.

dont do what i did, and followed their delectable paradigms blindly.

it's a million and one times worse when the feelings that were supposed to develop really didnt turn out at all.. when the feelings arent even yours, when they dont even belong to you. the brainchild of a million other people.

when the wall crumbles and shit hits the fan.
when all things get messed up and the journey ends.
the incomparable disheartening crap that revolves inside gets multiplied the world over.

because it doesnt feel like i have failed myself.

NO.

it actually feels like i have failed everyone else.

and that, really feels like a gazillion times worse.

jeraldjustin.
champion screw upper.

looks like christmas is going to be the same old same old again.

xxx

i miss the smiles...

with pillows fluffed up...

and the laughter spreading like glorious butter all around...

don't break my heart.
don't use me.
don't play games with me.
don't try to sell me things.
don't ever cheat on me.

quite possibly my only fond memory of christmas.

Christmas Solitare.

Since the early days, Christmas has traditionally been a lonely time of year for me.

devoid of all conviviality, friends, family, partners, neighbours, and acquaintances.

Rudolph never came round with his bright red nose.
Santa too, never really bothered popping by with his sleigh.
The Elves were probably busy with their gift wrapping.
and even the ol'grinch was never to be found.

My extended family or any sporadically sparse remnants of them would usually be travelling somewhere throughout the wide reaches of our diverse globe...


My mom would be away, on some foreign (s)e(x)scapade with another one of her angmo companions.

My dad would be busy managing the rambunctious crowds during the supposedly festive season at his handful of hustle-bustle-restaurants.


Whilst i would be stuck at home- staring at the blank ceiling- playing games of which lizard's gonna mate tonight, or, in recent years, mugging away, somehow diligently, at work (shangri-la, changkat).


staying in on christmas eve, slugging it at work on christmas day, the same on boxing day, and sleeping early on new year's eve... working again on new year's day...

the past few years has witnessed similar patterns.
im the christmas solitare professional.

but i do guess that it's time.
a long time coming.
for change.

i would really really really like this year.... this very very very current year.
to be filled with a lot more exultation, merriment, and rapturous glee.
the kind you watch in movies and read about in novels.
cheesy, cliched, and diabetically sweet.
i really do not care.
beautiful events and its concomitant circumstances.
put me in them.
put my loveliest friends in them.
put big wide happy smiles on all our faces.
and warm our cold cold hearts.

i pray, i beg, i obsecrate, plead and beseech...

heck... indulge me with a little playmate whilst you're at it too.
you dont have to take the suggestive wording all too seriously.

i honestly think that i've done my time.
let's make this year oh-so-different.

"can you smell what the rock is cookin?"

you know what...
i'm starting to really grow fond of this one.

let's pray that i don't fuck things up.